Thursday, March 31, 2005

BSG: Kobol's Last Gleaming, Part 1

Adama and Apollo are sparring in the gym. Apollo gets in a good shot, then Adama decides to teach him a lesson. He punishes Apollo with some hard shots, hits him in the face and knocks him down. Then he tells Apollo, "You never lose control. That's why you don't win."


The scene is intercut with scenes of Apollo and Starbuck getting it on. Only, when Starbuck moans, "Lee," "Lee" turns out to be Baltar. Starbuck gets her clothes on and gets out of there. Baltar look really unhappy. Number Six looks unhappy too.

Caprica-Boomer catches up with Helo. She tells him to shoot her and get it over with, He does.Galactica-Boomer sits in her rack, plays with her pistol and contemplates suicide. She's interrupted by a summons over the intercom.

Baltar and the pilots are engaging in their regular poker game. Apollo is with them for some reason. Baltar is totally smashed. He laps ambrosia from his glass like a dog. "You can't compete with me," Baltar drunkenly taunts Lee. "I always win!" Lee doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. Starbuck wanders in. Baltar offers her a seat, then says perhaps she's rather sit by Capt. Adama. Baltar then demands to be called "Mr. Vice President." Kara walks out, not too fast, not too slow, but now Lee gets it.

[As usual, Baltar has the best line: "There needs to be some decorum here. Or is this a pirate ship?" LOL!]

Baltar meets with the President. She's trying to get him up to speed on how the government is run, but the presence of Number Six is distracting him, as usual. Baltar gets out of the meeting after acting manic, though he truthfully brings up the point that it's unreasonable for her to expect him to learn how a government is run so quickly – she's been in government for her whole career.

In the bathroom Number Six accuses him of being in love with Kara and she slams his head against the mirror. Then she tells him that he doesn't want to be on Galactica because something is going to go down.

Galactica-Boomer and Crashdown go out on patrol and find a beautiful planet with all the criteria for supporting human life. Crashdown is sure it's Earth, but Boomer says to herself, "No, it's more important."

On Caprica, it's raining again. Boomer is tied up and Helo is a few feet away with his gun trained on her. He gives himself a radiation injection, and Boomer comments that it's not working too well, is it? He tells her she isn't Sharon. She tries to explain to him that there is no Sharon.

Cut to an angry Apollo, striding into the hangar bay where Starbuck is working on the Raider. He gets on her about calling the Raider a "he," then segues into "I'm not as smart as Dr. Baltar," then "you can't keep your pants on," then "it's just like when you got drunk and couldn't keep your hands off that major." The last comment makes her take a swing at him. She misses, but he swings back and punches her in the nose. People stare at them.

[Way to go, asshole.]

"Just tell me why," he says. "I'm a screw-up," she says.

The President, Elosha and Billy review the surveillance photos of the planet. Billy points out a photo of ruins estimated to be 2,000 years old. Elosha says that's when the ancients founded the Colonies. Roslyn looks at the photo and says, "That's an inhabited city." She looks again and, oops, just ruins. But Elosha asks her for details about what she saw. She then shows Laura a picture from her bible of a city matching that description. Elosha says the planet they've found must be Kobol, where the gods and man lived in paradise before the exodus.

Galactica-Boomer is back in her rack, toying with her pistol again. Baltar comes in, looking for Starbuck. He seems that Boomer is in distress and he talks to her. He gives her some ambiguous advice: "Embrace what you know to be the right decision." He leaves the room and she shoots herself.

Adama meets with the President and Vice-President to discuss the planet. He says they should consider permanent settlement. He also says they should do a survey of the ruins. Number Six urges Baltar to volunteer to go on the survey mission. Again, his reasons sound, well, reasonable. Since he's the chief scientist, he'll have to examine any samples brought back anyway, so he might as well collect them in the first place.

Cut to the infirmary, where Tyrol goes to see Boomer. She botched her suicide and only shot herself through the cheek. She confirms his suspicions that her "gun cleaning accident" story is bullshit. She tells him that she wakes up wondering if she's going to hurt somebody.

Roslyn tells Adama in a private meeting that the planet is Kobol. She tells him that an artifact called the Arrow of Apollo back at the Temple of Athena on Caprica will lead the way to Earth, according to the scriptures. She proposes that they use the captured Raider to jump all the way back to Caprica, get the Arrow, and come back to Kobol. Adama says, no, those stories are myths. The Raider is a military asset that can't be used for something like that. There is no Earth, he says.

Cut to the ground survey teams, piled into two Raptors. On the Raptor with Baltar are Crashdown, Callie, Tyrol and, inexplicably, Spc. Socinus.

[Okay, wasn't Socinus sentenced for treason in the witch hunt episode? Is he on work release, or has he been fully pardoned after only twenty days or so in the brig?]

The Raptor jump and ends up in the midst of a shitload of Raiders and a basestar. Baltar's Raptor is hit and the pilot is killed. Tyrol has the presence of mind to tell the other Raptor to jump back to the Galactica immediately. As the Raptor goes down, Baltar freaks out and gets in everyone's way.

[Interesting to note that he yells, "Oh my God!" Not "gods."]

On Galactica, Gaeda is showing Tigh and Adama two devices that look like smoke alarms that are Cylon transponders. He explains that the two devices send out signals to each other when they're within a certain proximity.

[I assume one is the device Number Six pointed out to Baltar in the pilot, but I don't know where the second one came from. Has to be from the Raider, but they should've shown it being removed.]

Dualla alerts them that one of the Raptors has returned and they learn what happened.

Later, Tigh tells Adama that Starbuck is working on a plan to use the transponders to get close enough to the basestar to plant a nuke. Lee, who was not in the loop, is pissed that she ignored the chain of command. He goes down to the hangar bay again, screams at her, has her stand at attention, then at ease. She explains the plan, but he still has a pissy attitude. She says she'd sorry (obviously about fucking Baltar, not the transponder bullshit), but he marches off.

Cut to Billy telling the President that her plan to have someone get the Arrow will bring down the government. She says the gods have a different plan. She summons Starbuck and reveals her plan. Starbuck's reaction is, you gotta be kidding me. Laura tells Starbuck that she has terminal breast cancer and this may be the only chance to find Earth. Kara insists that Adama knows where it is. Laura says, "Go ask him."

Kara does. She meets with Adama as he watches the Raider being prepped. She asks him, are we getting closer to Earth? Can you guess how much longer? He gives her evasive answers ("It's hard to say") and she knows him well enough to know he's lying.

Starbuck is out flying in the Raider on an attack prep test. Lee is close by in his viper. She makes her decision. She asks to speak to Adama on a scrambled line and she tells him, "I believed you. I believed in Earth."

"What are you doing?"

"Bringing home the cat," she says, referring to the cadence she was jogging to in the miniseries.

"Be sure, whatever you're going to do, you don't regret it later," he says. "Do you understand me?"

"I guess we'll find out," she says.

She jumps back to Caprica.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Time Magazine Likes Battlestar Galactica

This is how you know you're big time:

SyFy Portal: "Just a week after getting a ringing endorsement from TV Guide, the new 'Battlestar Galactica' has done it again... this time in the coveted Time Magazine."

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Lucasfilm Confirms Star Wars TV Rumors

From SyFy Portal:

"Steve Sansweet, Lucasfilm's director of content management and fan relations, recently confirmed what has been the subject of many rumors on the Internet for months: a television series is in the works."

Monday, March 28, 2005

Star Wars: Clone Wars -- Chapter 25

The Battle of Coruscant rages. Clone troopers with their backs to huge Greco-Roman statues pump rounds into the droids surrounding them.

[Note: What's with the statue of a Spartan?]

“Keep up the pressure on our right!” says a clone commander.

“What about the left?” says a sergeant.

“The Jedi have the left!”

The Jedi – Mace and Yoda – are doing what takes a company of clones to do.

“Go now. No longer safe for you here, it is,” says Yoda to his pony. He flips to the ground and stands back to back with Mace doing saber work.

Mace deflects the droids’ own lasers back at them, destroying them.

“Strange, the enemy’s strategy,” says Yoda.

“A massive invasion, yet no attempt to take the Temple or the Senate,” replies Mace.

“Unless a diversion it is to hide their true objective—”

“PALPATINE!” they both say.

Mace vaults up into a troop carrier passing overhead and says to the clone, “Turn this ship around!”

Shaak-Ti, Roron and Foul sprint through underground tunnels in their desperate bid to get the Chancellor to safety.

“Get inside! Get to the bunker!” says Shaak-Ti when they reach the Chancellor’s private train.

“My dear, what about you?” asks the ever calm Chancellor.

“I will stay and hold them off.”

“How can you be sure they’re still following us?”

“Make no mistake, they are following.”

Shaak-Ti touches the shoulders of the other two Jedi. “Protect the Chancellor,” she says.

Foul squeaks something in his own language.

[Note: Probably, “May the Force be with you.”]

“This selfless sacrifice will long be remembered in the archives of the Jedi Order,” Palpatine says unconvincingly.

The Chancellor’s train takes off and Shaak-Ti is left to face about a dozen Magna Guards emerging from the shadows.

Cut to planet Nelvaan. The mutated Nelvaan warriors are surrounding Anakin.

“You’re not yourselves! You’re being manipulated! You are Nelvaan warriors. You must control yourselves! Stop! I will defend myself!”

[Note: Oh, no shit, Anakin. This whole substory fell flat at this point. Not for one second did I believe Anakin gave a shit about these indigenous people.]

Behind Anakin, the most recently captured Nelvaan warrior struggles to break free from the shackles that bind him to a table in a tank filled with green liquid.

The mutants start shooting lasers at Anakin from the gun attachments that have taken the place of their left arms. He deflects the blasts with his lightsaber and Force-pushes them away with his droid hand.

Filled with alarm, the last mutant shatters the glass and escapes from his chamber. Instead of attacking Anakin, he jumps on one of the other mutants and rips a metal bandolier off of his chest. This causes the mutant pain, but he immediately stops fighting.

The recent mutant turns to Anakin, holds out the bandolier and points at his own head, jabbering something in his own language.

“What?” Anakin says, frowning.

The warrior rips bandoliers off several other mutants and Anakin finally gets it. He uses his lightsaber to slice the devices off of the remaining mutants.

The recent mutant then gives a passionate speech in his own language to the others. Through body language it is clear he is urging them regain their senses. He also starts pointing at Anakin and using the native word for “Ghost Hand.”

[Note: See, the problem here is, why would they trust Mr. Ghost Hand? Didn’t the legend on the cave wall warn them that Ghost Hand kills both friend and foe? It’s their legend, isn’t it? They ought to know.]

The warrior points at a crystal suspended over the machine in the core of the facility and he jabbers at Anakin.

“I understand,” he says.

Back on Coruscant, Roron and Foul sit tensely in the train with the Chancellor.

Cut to Shaak-Ti, now fighting the Magna Guards. At one point she loses her lightsaber and she grabs a Magna Guard and uses him as both a shield and a weapon. When he is destroyed, she takes his staff and wields it until she can regain her own weapon. Armed with two weapons, she starts to find it a little easier to destroy the droids.

Cut to Anakin, acrobatically making his way to the fixture holding the crystal. He stops to destroy a few droids on the way. He climbs down onto the core, hangs upside down and tries to use his lightsaber. No luck – it’s deflected.

Meanwhile, the Nelvaan warriors are attacking the battle droids and freeing the remaining warriors that are still in the glass tubes. The Techno Union guys are fleeing to the surface.

Anakin reaches for the crystal with his droid hand. He howls in pain, but he is able to grab the crystal and crush it – which blows up his droid hand in the process. The destruction of the crystal sets off a big chain reaction. The ice on the river melts and the sun is seen again through the clouds.

The Nelvaan warriors escape to the surface, pursuing the Techno Union guys. The latter try to make it to their ship, but Anakin comes after them. He points his stump and Force-pushes them away from their ship. One guy tries to shoot him in the back and Anakin Force-crushes his chest, killing him.

The Nelvaan warriors stare at Anakin, in particular what’s left of his droid hand. Then they suddenly start tearing off their own prosthetics, causing themselves great pain. They then raise their remaining hands in the air and chant, “Ghost Hand, Ghost Hand” in their language.

Anakin looks very grim. But his job is done.

Back at the caves, the women are putting out wooden buckets to catch the melting snow.

They spy Anakin in the distance leading the men back to the village. Hope enters their faces, but as the men get closer, hope is replaced by dismay and fear. Who are these monsters?

The women take a step back, but one little boy pushes forward. He goes up to the mutant who freed the others and says, “Apu?”

The mutated warrior scoops up the child and hugs him, grateful that his child still recognizes him. The other women and children come forward to greet their loved ones, but they are saddened by how their men have been violated.

Obi-Wan looks pleased with Anakin. But Anakin doesn’t look too pleased with himself.

Later, there is a celebration of sorts around the campfire. The women have covered the amputated hands of the men with shields and feathers.

“You’ve done a great thing for these people. Well done, Anakin,” says Obi-Wan. “But tell me more of your experience in the cave.”

“I listened to the Mother, just as the shaman said,” says Anakin, not answering the question. “Do you think they’ll be able to reclaim their old lives?”

“I sense they will. As long as they accept themselves.”

Cut back to Coruscant.

The Chancellor’s train reaches its destination. The two Jedi and Palpatine jump out and start running through a series of blast doors that close behind them. When they pass through the last set of doors, they enter a dark room, suddenly made light by Grievous’ lightsabers.

Foul pushes the Chancellor behind him and he and Roron once more take on Grievous. They are weary now, and it shows. The two Jedi are barely holding their own when Grievous displays two more arms, also equipped with lightsabers. For the first time there is fear in their eyes.

Back at the mouth of the tunnel, Shaaki-Ti is making headway against the Magna Guards when they inexplicably stop fighting and draw back.

“NO!” says Shaak-Ti, a look of realization in her eyes. She races down the tunnel almost as fast as the train did.

Brave Roron dies first, sliced through the chest. Foul dies seconds later.

Grievous advances on Palpatine.

“You’re mine, old man!”

“I’m not afraid of you,” says Palpatine. “You wouldn’t dare harm the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic. Whatever would your masters say?”

“You’re lucky they want you alive,” says Grievous, grabbing him by the chest.

“Chancellor!” shouts Shaak-Ti, sprinting into the room.

“Shaak-Ti, my dear,” says Palpatine, dry as ever. “You’ve come to rescue me.”

She charges Grievous, but he reaches out and grabs her by the throat.

“You’re tired, Jedi. You won’t be needing this,” he says, prying her lightsaber from her hand. “I’ve got something else for you.”

Snaky electrified wires come out of his wrist.

Cut to the Magna Guards taking the Chancellor onto a ship outside the tunnel. Grievous is about to board when droid ships start shooting up in the air at Mace’s approaching transport. Mace vaults off the ship and lands at the base of the boarding ramp. Grievous turns around with four lightsabers ignited.

Mace doesn’t draw his lightsaber, instead he unleashes a Force-crush that collapses Grievous’ chest. Eyes bulging, Grievous staggers backwards into the ship and the Magna Guards take off.

[Note: That’s a Darkside power, Mace...]

Mace vaults into the air after them, using his lightsaber against the laser blasts directed at him, but they climb too high, too fast. He falls back to the pavement and the kidnappers get away.

With the Chancellor lost, Mace runs back into the tunnel and sees the bodies of Foul and Roron.

“Shaak-Ti!” he yells, fearing the worst. He finds her in an adjacent room, strung up from the ceiling by electrified wires. But she is alive.

“I failed,” she says, unable to look Mace in the eye.

Back to the Republic cruiser above Nelvaan. Artoo is using a welding attachment to help Anakin put the finishing touches on a new prosthetic. The original one was gold, and very droid-like. This one has a better design, but it’s mostly black with a few gold highlights.

Artoo whistles a question to Anakin.

“No, Artoo,” he says introspectively. “There are things that are far more painful.”

[Note: Anakin still has the blue tattoo from the Nelvaan leech on his face. Is that permanent, or has he just not washed his face yet?]

Ob-Wan enters the room. “You weren’t in the medlab. I thought I’d find you here.”

“We’re just finishing up. See? Good as new.” There is a forced lightness in Anakin's voice.

Ben makes another effort to mentor his former padawan.

“Anakin, the most difficult trial a Jedi must face is to look inside himself. Often we see things we don’t like. But these aspects are not set in stone. It is our decisions that shape our destinies.”

Artoo starts whistling, cutting off any inclination Anakin may have had to open up.

“An urgent message from Coruscant!” Anakin says. “Patch it through!”

Artoo projects a hologram of Mace.

“Kenobi, Skywalker – Coruscant is under siege. General Grievous has abducted the Supreme Chancellor. You must return immediately. You must rescue Palpatine.”

“Grievous!” Anakin says, eyes narrowing.

He starts barking orders to the clones as Obi-Wan strangely says nothing and lets him take the lead.

“Battle stations! All crews to your fighters! Prepare to jump to hyperspace. MOVE!”

The last scene is of the space over Coruscant where Republic ships and Separatist ships are pounding away at each other in pitched battle.

Somewhere in the midst of this is the ship holding the kidnapped Chancellor.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

That Ithorian Guy

I found out that the Ithorian Jedi in the Clone Wars cartoon actually has a name -- Roron Corobb.

His Talz buddy is Foul Moudama.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Star Wars: Clone Wars -- Chapter 24

Chancellor Palpatine gets knocked on his ass as General Grievous comes through the shattered window. The Chancellor picks himself up, dusts himself off, and in very haughty fashion says, “How dare you barge into my private residence? Who do you think you are?”

Shaak-Ti warns, “Chancellor, I don’t think—"

“I’ll take care of this. I am Supreme Chancellor Palpatine of the Galactic Republic and I will not be bullied by any thug who happens to—"

Shaak-Ti Force-pulls Palpatine into her arms and backs into the hallway, covered by the Ithorian and the Talz Jedi. She orders the clone troopers to take Grievous and she shuts the blast door.

The three Jedi and two troopers run down the hallway with Palpatine and press the button for the elevator.

Back in the room, Grievous makes grisly work of the troopers, severing limbs, crushing heads and chucking one guy through the window.

In the hallway, everyone stares back at the door of the Chancellor’s office. A buzzsaw sound is heard against the blast door. The Ithorian desperately bangs on the elevator button four times.

Grievous bursts through the door just as the elevator arrives. He lopes down the hallway on all fours like an animal. The Jedi throw some kind of invisible Force balls at him which he easily evades. Shaak-Ti’s blast pushes him into a wall. He starts to come out, but the Ithorian steps forward and bellows, causing the ceiling to collapse. Grievous is buried long enough for the group to back into the elevator.

The Ithorian pants heavily.

“Ithorian,” Shaaki-Ti explains to the Chancellor. “Four throats. Quite powerful.”

“So I’ve heard,” says the Chancellor, cleaning out his ear with his pinky.

The elevator ride is seemingly taking forever. It’s a glass elevator, and suddenly Grievous can be seen loping down the side of the building along side them.

A clone trooper springs into action, assembles his bazooka and fires at Grievous, filling the car with smoke.

The elevator reaches the bottom. Their way to Palpatine is blocked by a company of super battle droids. Grievous drops down in front of the droids, then sends them forward to attack.

The Ithorian steps forward again and uses his sonic blast to blow the droids away, but Grievous digs his claws into the concrete. He tucks himself into a ball and starts inching forward, step by step, defying the sonic onslaught.

“Call for support!” says Shaak-Ti to one of the troopers.

“We’re being jammed. We have no communication. We’re on our own!” he replies.

The Talz scoops up the Chancellor in his arms and the group tries to sprint to safety.

Their way is blocked by another enemy – two staff-wielding Magna Guard droids. Without missing a beat, the three Jedi vault over them, but the two clones are taken out.

Cut to planet Nelvaan.

Anakin is riding the giant sheepdog and the voice of Obi-Wan is heard, repeating the words of the shaman:

“You must follow the wind, for it is the Mother's cry.”

Anakin travels in the direction of the wind.

“Travel her tears, they are frozen with fear.”

Anakin travels along a frozen river.

“Enter the Mother's mouth to awake her inner flame.”

Anakin enters a volcanic cave. He views a wall covered with petroglyphs. He is struck by a pain in his head and suddenly the rock drawings start to move, recounting a legend of the indigenous people.

Herds of giant sheepdogs roam the land. Nelvaan warriors bring one down. In their village, the women carry baskets on their heads and do agricultural work. A pair of women are picking leaves from the trees near the river when a monster – a snake-like dragon – emerges from the water. It kills one woman and the other flees for help. One hero goes after the dragon. He attacks it several time with his spear and drives it back to the water. He thinks it is dead and he raises his arms in celebration, only to have the beast rise from the water one last time and bite off his arm.

The warrior collapses in his woman’s arms. She fashions him a false arm and he marvels at it. A giant fish emerges from the water and he kills the fish with the hand. Two people are carried off by a giant bird and he rescues them by using the hand again to kill the bird. A giant blue monster – the one Anakin killed – threatens the village and the hero uses the false hand to beat it to death.

The hero marvels at the strength of the hand, which has grown bigger each time he has used it. The people of the village revere him. The women clap, the youths play horns and the warriors raise their spears in salute. But then the ghost hand grows into the very dragon that the hero thought was dead. It kills the villagers one by one, then carries off the hero’s woman. When the woman is carried off, the hero starts mutating into a monster.

The woman being carried off screams “Anakin!” in Padme’s voice and Anakin passes out momentarily.

Anakin picks himself up and finds he is in front of some kind of machine.

[Note: I loved the cave paintings and the legend of Ghost Hand.]

Cut to Coruscant.

The three Jedi protecting Palpatine are being pursued by the Magna Guards. They leap from platform to platform, but they can’t shake the droids. Shaak-Ti turns and takes on the two droids to buy time, then the group leaps onto a passing flying freighter.

The Ithorian says something in his own language to Shaak-Ti. She replies, “No,” then turns to duel the droids, who have also landed on the freighter. The Ithorian joins her in the fight, but the Talz, still cradling the Chancellor, does not draw his saber. When another droid lands on the freighter, the Talz Force-pushes him off. But the droid reaches out an extendible arm and hauls himself back onto the freighter.

Grievous and yet another Magna Guard land on the freighter. Grievous purposely damages the freighter with his lightsaber to make it spiral toward the sidewalk. The freighter crashes through one of the big neon signs then hits the street. The Jedi hit the ground running and hustle the Chancellor into the subway. They vault the turnstiles while a friendly voice urges them to deposit two Republic credits. The staff-wielding droids pursue, followed by Grievous, who smashes the turnstiles to silence the voice.

[Note: A bunch of fare beaters! I wonder if Shaak-Ti will get an automatic summons sent to her.]

A big saber fight erupts in a strangely empty train station. The Talz is forced to cradle the Chancellor in his left hand and use his saber to fend off Grievous. The Jedi use the train station to their advantage by ducking between cars, riding on the top of trains, and Force-pushing the Magna-Guards onto the tracks in the path of oncoming trains. The Magna Guards try to separate the Talz protecting the Chancellor from the other Jedi, but the Ithorian, displaying stellar swordsmanship, kills three of the droids and makes it back to his comrade.

The Talz puts the Chancellor down. He compliments his comrade in his own language – and so does the Chancellor – but then Shaak-Ti bounds up with Grievous close behind. Grievous backs them up into a corridor and flings the brave Talz and Ithorian Jedi aside. He advances on Shaaki-Ti, who has the Chancellor behind her.

“And so it ends. A valiant effort, but as you can see, ultimately futile” says Grievous.

His cape billows behind him and, unbeknownst to him, one end ties itself in a tight knot around a handle on a stationary train.

Palpatine raises an eyebrow.

“Now, Jedi, prepare yourself, for you are about to leave this world,” says Grievous.

“I don’t think so,” replies Shaak-Ti calmly.


The light in the tunnel turns green and the train pulls away at full speed, carrying Grievous with it.

[Note: Sweet! I want to be Shaaki-Ti’s padawan.]

[Note: The “boong-boong” sound was just like the old “F” train closing doors warning sound.]

Despite her quick thinking and brave words, Shaak-Ti’s body sags after Grievous is pulled away. She is mentally and physically drained.

“Excellent work!” says Palpatine, clapping.

The other two Jedi return, having survived being kicked by Grievous.

“Hurry!” she says, regaining her strength.

They take off again.

Shaak-Ti smashes a window with her open palm and the three Jedi leap out, the Talz cradling Palpatine like a baby again.

Cut to Nelvaan.

Anakin climbs up into an industrial building. He sneaks around and spies some Techno Union guys. The assistant tells the one in charge that “the specimen control can’t be guaranteed.”

The one in charge says that Grievous grows impatient.

Anakin comes across a bunch of creatures in tubes filled with green liquid. He recognizes them as Nelvaan warriors, but they now look more like large moles.

An unaltered male is strapped to a vertical examination table. A glass tube comes down over him and the tank fills with green water. A Techno Union guy pushes a button and energy starts coursing through the tank. Anakin has seen enough. He shouts, “No!” and starts slicing battle droids.

“Jedi!” says the Techno Unionists. They start to clear the building.

The Nelvaan warrior in the tank starts mutating.

“Unleash the specimens!” says the leader.

An iris door starts opening and a bunch of the mutated Nelvaan males shamble forward. Anakin pleads with them to stay back.

“Wait! I’m here to help. You’ve been altered. You must regain control of yourselves! Please stop! I don’t want to harm you!”

One of them raises its arm, which has a gun attachment, and points it at Anakin.

Friday, March 25, 2005

What plotlines, characters or scenes in the Star Wars saga irritate you the most?

  • How can the Jedi fight evil if they are forbidden to have ties to anyone? What are they fighting for? Is it possible to do Good if you feel nothing?
  • I’ve never bought why Han didn’t try to kill Lando after he got out of the carbonite. Yes, I know that Lando was pressured into handing him over to Vader and he would’ve been killed if he didn’t. But how can anyone be cool with him after that?
  • Anakin, the Chosen One, is supposed to bring balance to the Force. What, was there an excess of Good? If so, shouldn't the Evil have lasted as long as the Republic did -- 1,000 years?
  • Death Star II. Why? Why would you allocate resources for a second Death Star when the first one had a design flaw? But to be honest, the second Death Star was probably under construction before the first one even blew up. It's got to take a long time to build something like that.
  • The Battle of Endor. Even with Death Star II being blow up, the Empire should've won the battle. There were at least fifty star destroyers there, all hanging back, as per Palpatine's orders. If one of those asshole admirals had had some balls and told the other ships to attack, they could've still won. They far outnumbered the Rebel fleet. Stupid.
  • Padme's decoys. I just don't get it. Why choose decoys over really good bodyguards?
  • Luke and Leia being twins is not necessary. The fact that they are makes their kiss in TESB creepy, as many have pointed out over the years. Wouldn't it have been a better storyline if Luke simply lost out to Han by focusing more effort on his Jedi training? He comes back dragging the ultimate badass prize -- Vader's carcass -- only to find out he lost his girl to a smuggler? Tell me that's not better drama.

  • Mon Mothma. She just looks like someone I know I would not get along with. Stern bitch!
  • Boba Fett. Why do people like this character? He didn’t do shit in the OT except get taken out by a blind Han Solo by accident!
  • Princess Leia. I totally hate her. She has such a nagging wife voice. "Han, get up here!" Shut up already!!

  • Shmi telling Qui-Gon that Anakin was the product of a virgin birth.
  • The scene from ROTJ where Ben explains that the bullshit lies he told Luke about Vader killing Anakin were true – from a certain point of view.
  • The scene in ROTJ where Luke asks Leia if she remembers “her real mother.” This is the last movie of a trilogy, but this is the first time we’re hearing she was adopted!
  • The Vader vs. Luke fight in ROTJ. Vader let Luke win.
  • Palpatine's death in ROTJ. Why couldn't he levitate his way out of that shaft? Or land on one of the little "bridges" down there?

I stole this topic from

Watch Star Wars: Clone Wars Volume II Online

I don't know how long this will be available, but you can watch Star Wars: Clone Wars Volume II online.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Star Wars: Clone Wars -- Chapter 23

Yoda is sitting with eyes closed in his meditation chamber. Suddenly, his eyes snap wide open. He opens the blinds and sees that the skies of Coruscant are filled with enemy ships. Yoda's ears droop in comical fashion.

Mace bursts into the chamber and says what Yoda already knows: "The city's under attack!"

"Defend the city, we must!"

The ships from Phantom Menace that look like biplanes land on the roofs of buildings and droids start pouring out. Tanks smash aircars and smaller droids start shooting anything that moves.

Cut to Mace striding purposefully toward the hangar where the Jedi keep their fighters. Master Saesee Tiin catches up with Mace and informs him that the enemy's ships are continuing to come out of hyperspace. Mace orders him to take command of that situation.

They get into their respective fighter crafts and take off.

[Note: Saesee has a black accent.]

Cut to Anakin and Obi-Wan on planet Nilban.

The blue-skinned natives take the Jedi back to their village. Everyone is riding large white animals that look like bantha-sized Old English Sheepdogs with horns. As they enter the village, Anakin and Obi-Wan pick up on the fact that there are only women and children here.

[Note: There is a subdued look on Anakin's face. Most likely he's thinking of the Tusken women and children he slaughtered.]

[Note: The blue-skinned people don't seem as bothered by the cold as the Jedi. The youth has no shirt on and the woman is lightly dressed as well.]

They are led into a cave where a tribal elder with rheumy eyes listens to the female leader and the youth (her son?) jabbering.

Obi-Wan interprets. "It seems you interrupted the boy's rite of passage, or test."

Obi-Wan explains his ability to translate as a by-product of having "traveled the universe" with Qui-Gon Jinn.

"Something plagues their land," Obi-Wan continues. "Champion after champion have been sent out, but none have returned. They were choosing another one when you intervened."

The elder says something directly to the Jedi.

"I'm not sure if I heard this right," says Obi-Wan. "It seems you have to 'journey into fire.'"

Anakin's eyes grow wide. "What?"

[Note: Very cartoony reaction there.]

Back on Coruscant, clone trooper tanks are rumbling through the streets. Missiles are fired and Padme's apartment is hit! Captain Typho tells Padme that he must get her to safety, but Padme says the building must be evacuated, not just her. Threepio stands by the gaping hole in the wall, screaming his head off.

"An army of droids! I'm going to have to have a serious talk with your programmer." He shakes his finger down at the street.

Padme has to drag him away.

Mace's Jedi fighter flies by Padme's window. His face is grim. He's being chased by droid fighters.

[Note: Mace's ship has purple accents, since that's his color.]

He looks up and there are even more droid ships up there.

Mace's craft gets clipped by a droid ship and he's forced to bail and free-fall. He lands on a droid craft, slices it open with his lightsaber, grabs a fistful of wires, and gains control of the ship. He uses this commandeered ship to get himself close enough to other ships to slice them open.

[Note: Mace almost looks like a guy waterskiing.]

Cut to Saesee Tiin leading the clone troopers out into space. The space above Coruscant is littered by enemy ships and they keep phasing in from hyperspace.

One of the enemy ships collides with a Republic ship.

"General Tiin, the ship is lost!" says a clone trooper.

"It is time to get a new one. Prepare to board!"

"Hooah!" The clones shout.

Tiin dons a space helmet specially crafted for him so that his horns stick out.


Tiin launches himself out into space, using only the Force to propel himself. Hundreds of clones with jetpacks stream after him. He ignites his lightsaber, slices a hole in the ship, and jumps in. He's shot at by droids, but he deflects the blasts easily and charges forward. Meanwhile, the clone troopers are on the hull of the ship firing at the main guns. And the main guns are firing down at them, hitting their own ship!

Tiin wastes the droids controlling the turret, turns the guns on another Separatist ship, and blows it away. The clones pump their fists.

[Note: Saesee Tiin! Where have you been all my life? I love this guy. What a man! Or being!]

Cut back to planet Nilban where the decrepit elder is sitting in front of a fire, chanting while Obi-Wan and Anakin sit patiently. Some of the female blue people are there to witness the ceremony as well.

"What's he saying?" asks Anakin.

"They're summoning the spirit of the fire," says Obi-Wan.

He continues to interpret: "The Mother weeps, she is sick. Our warriors have failed; failed to heal the Mother. Into the never-ending winter, a stranger comes. Tell us why he has come. What is his purpose?"

The elder throws some stuff into the fire. Smoke rises and takes the shape of a clawed right hand.

The blue folk start to murmur.

"They're saying 'ghost hand'" Obi-Wan translates. Realization dawns and he grabs Anakin by his droid hand, drags him to his feet and displays it to the people.

"What are you doing?" says Anakin, perplexed.

"No, it's what you're doing," Obi-Wan replies.

Back to Coruscant. Yoda stands on some wreckage and points at a battalion of the "rolling" droids from Episode I. He levitates them up in the air where they are crash into droid ships and destroy each other.

Using more telekinesis, Yoda forces droids back into their "bi-plane" ship, then makes the ship collide with another one. He closes his eyes and takes out two more of these ships by causing more collisions.

Yoda's eyes snap open as he hears a clone trooper over a comlink:

"Alert! We're losing ground in sector four!"

Yoda does an incredible backflip through the air and lands on his ride -- a small animal that is part goat, part pony. He gallops off to save the clones.

[Note: Aww!]

On Nilban, Anakin has his shirt off. The elder mumbles and scoops up a handful of large blue leeches.

"He's saying this may hurt a bit," Obi-Wan translates.

The elder flings the leeches and they land on Anakin's skin -- most on his chest, but one on his face over his lightsaber scar.

They start tracing geometric patterns on Anakin's skin as he grimaces in pain.

[Note: The blue patterns are not unlike the blue patterns on Anakin's podracer in Episode I. Not a coincidence, I'm sure.]

"Is this really necessary?" he says through gritted teeth.

"It's part of their ritual. You must be respectful," says Obi-Wan.

He continues to interpret the elder's words. "You must follow the wind, for it is the Mother's cry. Travel her tears, they are frozen with fear. Enter the Mother's mouth to awake her inner flame."

The people gather at the cave's mouth to see Anakin off. He puts a saddle on the sheepdog.

"Though you've never had the official Trials," says Obi-Wan, "the war has tested you more than any trials could, and Master Yoda foresaw this. The Force has guided us here for your final trial, the one you've never truly faced."

"Master, I haven't always been a patient student," says Anakin, "but I have proved myself. I am a Jedi knight. I won't fail you."

"No, Anakin -- don't fail yourself."

Anakin rides off slowly and doesn't answer.

"May the Force be with you," Obi-Wan says to his back.

Back on Coruscant, the clones are trying to hold a bridge.

"Sector four is being overrun! We need reinforcements!" shouts a clone commander into his wrist comlink.

Super battle droids start coming over the barrier the clones have erected. The clones try to hold them back, but they are out numbered.

"Fall back! Fall back!" the clone commander shouts.

"Hold your positions!" shouts Yoda, leaping in on his goat-pony.

He ignites his lightsaber and Force-pushes the droids away.

Mace surfs up on his commandeered droid craft, leaps onto the bridge and starts bare-knuckle pummeling the droids with fists like a jackhammer.

[Note: I believe he's using the Teräs Käsi martial arts. ]

"Master Windu!" says Yoda and the pair combine to Force-push a ton of droids off the bridge.

"ATTACK!" says Yoda and they rally the clones to push the droids off the bridge.

[Note: It doesn't get better than this.]

Cut to Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, chilling in his office, calmly drinking tea and looking out his window. The quiet of his office is in sharp contrast to the noise of the battle we've just cut from.

The conflict can't even really be seen from his vantage point.

Shaak-Ti bursts into his office with some other Jedi and clones and urges Palpatine to get to his shuttle.

"I will not cower in the face of this treacherous attack," he says, acting like Grand Moff Tarkin in Episode IV.

"Please, Supreme Chancellor, we must follow protocol," says Shaak-Ti.

Suddenly there is a thud-thud-thud sound coming from above. The clones look up and point their rifles at the ceiling.

It stops.

"See? It's gone away," says Palpatine.

Grievous' upside-down head appears in the window and he shatters the glass.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Star Wars: Clone Wars -- Chapter 22

A braggart with a black accent says to his droid assistant that it will take 50 Jedi -- maybe a hundred -- to take his fort. He looks through binoculars and spies two Jedi on horseback riding toward them -- Obi-Wan and Anakin, the latter sporting long hair. The battle with this tough guy and his droids lasts all of four seconds. Anakin is pretty dominant.

Cut to another battle, this time in space. Again, Anakin saves the day. He saves Jedi Master Saesee Tiin, who grins appreciatively.

[Note: Anakin in general seems incredibly mature and relaxed throughout this episode.]

Cut to yet another battle. Three Jedi -- Aayla Secura, Eeth Koth and a wolf dude -- are pinned down by crab-like droid tanks. They get trapped in large pink bubbles and are in serious trouble when Ani swoops down out of nowhere. He Force-pulls the crab droids and destroys them by flinging them into each other.

He waves his hand and the pink bubbles burst, freeing the three trapped Jedi. They pump their fists and cheer him.

[Note: It's clear that Anakin's peers really trust and like him now. All the more devastating when he backstabs them.]

Cut to Anakin's Jedi-fighter ship slipping into what may be Theed, Naboo. He meets Padme under a bridge. She reaches out and touches a long scar on right side of face. He pulls away at first, then hugs her tight.

[Note: The scar wasn't in the previous scene. No explanation is given, but I've recently heard online that he got the scar from Asajj Ventress. Which means he didn't kill her on Yavin IV. I'm so confused.]

The camera pulls back to show the dusky skyline of the city. In one building, a single light is on. Then the light goes out.

[Note: Padme's bedroom, anyone?]

Cut to Obi-Wan apparently on the docks by a wooden ship. He's unsuccessfully trying to find a place out of the rain where he can sleep. He looks positively miserable.

Clone trooper Commander Cody swoops in and says, "The siege goes well. With our continued barrage, the shields should go down in 3 months."

"But we've been here a month already," says Obi-Wan, unhappily.

"Yes, sir! We're right on schedule," says the clone, flying away again.

Obi-Wan groans.

Anakin shows up carrying a dirty sack. He places it down on a box or table in front of Obi-Wan and rubs his hands gleefully.

"What is that?" asks Obi-Wan, raising an eyebrow.


Anakin opens up the sack and reveals a pile of dirt swarming with live worms and bugs. He proceeds to eat them with gusto.

"How can you eat that?" says Obi-Wan, looking disgusted.

Anakin replies with his mouth full, "But master, you're the one who always taught me to feed off the living Force."

"That's not what I..."

Obi-Wan gives up. Fuck it, his eyes say.

"Where did you get that stuff anyway?"

"From the enemy camp," Anakin nonchalantly replies.

"What! You were there? What were you doing?"


"How did you penetrate the shield?"

Anakin takes his time answering while he sucks down a three foot long pink worm.

[Note: Yo, what was up with that last bit? And what's this eating dirt thing, anyway? Is that some filthy Tatooine habit?]

Anakin points at the "sack," which turns out to have a map drawn in it.

"I found this ancient sewer. It goes right under the old city."

A resigned look comes into Ob-Wan's eyes.

"So, I assume the plan is to crawl through the sewer, work our way to the shield generator, fight our way through the defenses, blow up the generator, knocking out the shield, and all our troops swarm in and overwhelm the enemy," he drones.

[Note: I think I've heard this plan before.]

"Yep. Let's go."

Obi Wan looks very ill and very British.

[Note: The role reversal in this sub-story is amusing. Obi-Wan gets to be whiny and Anakin gets to be laid back and reasonable.]

[Note: I noticed from the first Clone Wars series that Obi Wan wears the clone trooper armor either under his Jedi robes or openly. The other Jedi, including Anakin, don't wear armor. I wonder why Obi-Wan feels he needs armor. Is his fighting style such that he expects to get hit and the others don't?]

Scenes of the pair wading through the sewers, neck-deep in filthy water. Obi-Wan is not happy.

"What an incredible smell you've discovered," he gripes, as Han Solo will to Leia in Episode IV.

They come across large boulders blocking the passage.

"What now?"

"We swim," says Anakin, diving in.

"I knew you were going to say that," Obi-Wan complains, imitating Han Solo again.

The pair peek out of a manhole. They see some droids looking at a power core.

Anakin wants to jump out and lay waste to the droids, but Obi-Wan says, "There are alternatives to fighting."

[Note: As he will say to Han in Episode IV. This whole episode is an homage.]

"That's no fun," Anakin says mildly.

Obi-Wan releases a dozen or so marble-sized metal balls and Force-pushes them to the feet of the droids and the base of the power core. The "marbles" blow up, the shield goes down. The Jedi stroll out, and the clones move in.

Obi-Wan compliments Anakin as they walk away. "Nice job, my friend, nice job."

[Note: Great sequence. The pair work so well together. It's times like this that Ben is thinking about when he tells Luke twenty years later that his father was his good friend. And then he proceeds to lie to Luke about Vader. But that's another story.]

Cut to the Wookie homeworld. A Wookie father and son swing through trees, trying to hunt a goat-creature. The son throws a spear that impacts off a camouflaged structure. The father pulls off the camo to reveal a large ship. The pair flee and hide in the trees as their world is overrun.

Quick scenes of three other worlds where droids forces are winning. Blue elephant people cower and look pitiful.

Cut to Dooku and General Grievous in a practice duel. Dooku, switching hands constantly, tells Grievous to forego standard attacks, be unorthodox. Grievous complies, and starts using his feet to wield his lightsabers. Dooku first chides Grievous for holding his saber too tight, then for holding it too loose.

[Note: I believe Dooku's speech is a paraphrasing of one from Scaramouche, one of my favorite films. The plot of that movie reminds me a lot of Star Wars, though it's set during the French Revolution.]

Dooku disarms Grievous. Dooku inspects the lightsaber, and sees it's a new one.

Grievous says Dooku's tutelage has served him well. He pulls back his cloak to reveal at least five lightsabers around his waist.

"If you are to succeed in combat against the best of the Jedi, you must have fear, surprise and intimidation on your side. You must break them before you engage them. Only then will you ensure victory."

"Wise council, my apprentice," says Darth Sidious, whose hologram appears out of nowhere.

"Report, General. What news from the front?"

"Our strategy is working perfectly, my lord," answers Grievous. "The Jedi and their allies are stretched thin across the worlds in a vain attempt to contain our new offensive."

"Now is the time to launch our final operation," says Sidious. "Is everything ready for your special mission?"

"The unsuspecting fools know not what awaits."

Cut to Obi-Wan, Anakin and the troopers as they break camp.

"Typical," says Obi-Wan. "The weather clears as soon we're leaving."

[Note: I'm starting to think that Ben isn't the outdoorsy type. Or he just hates getting wet.]

"Urgent message from Coruscant," interrupts a trooper.

The pair sit in a tent to view a holo transmission of Mace and Palpatine. Palpatine congratulates them on the success of the mission.

But, says Mace, for every system that is liberated, another is taken, prolonging this conflict. "We must stop this war at its source."

Anakin makes a mean face. "Greivous!"

"We have questionable intel on this at best," Mace says.

"On the contrary," Palpatine disagrees. "My intelligence assures me that my information is quite accurate."

Mace glares down at Palpatine.

[Note: Surely a dis?]

"General Greivous has been spotted on a number of occasions traveling to planet Nelvaan, deep in the outer rim territories. I am told he is there right now," says Palpatine.

"I do believe Greivous is the key to bringing an end to this conflict," says Mace.

"One can only hope," Palpatine says lightly. "You are to leave immediately."

"May the Force be with you," says Mace.

Obi-Wan frowns. "Sending us on a reconnaissance mission? This doesn't feel right."

"Don't look at it that way, master. Think of it as reconnaissance in Force." Anakin smacks his right fist into his left hand and grins.

"Your favorite," Obi-Wan says with a wry smile.

The two share a laugh.

[Note: They're acting like real buds now.]

Cut to about a dozen large ships heading to planet.

A trooper says that no enemy ships have been spotted, but there is a large geothermal reading in one sector. Anakin says they'll check it out.

They land on a snowy planet with trees. The Jedi lead about a dozen troopers.

Shy animals scurry away.

"Something's startling these creatures," says Anakin.

"And it's not us," says Obi-Wan.

"I feel it too."

"A disturbance..."

More animals scurry away.

"I've got a bad feeling about this," Obi-Wan says.

A huge blue-skinned animal with tusks and an armored tail bursts from the ground and the troopers open fire.

Anakin slices off piece of its body, then leaps in air. Obi-Wan yells, "Wait!"

Too late. Anakin buries his lightsaber in the thing's brain, then slides off its back, looking pleased with himself.

He looks at Obi-Wan's face. "What?" he asks, seeming puzzled.

There is a rustling in the bushes. Angry blue-skinned humanoid natives carrying Polynesian-type shields jabber at them.

"I don't think you should've done that," Obi-Wan says mildly.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Flash Fiction Challenge 5: Wake Up

Though the Army had been integrated for well over a decade, there was still a tendency to self-segregate. The blacks had a spot in the chow hall dubbed the “Sugar Shack” where soldiers would gather in the rare event that there was some downtime. On days like today when the heavy spring rains made it seem like all of the ‘Nam was drowning, Corporal Darcy became the self-appointed morale officer for Bravo Company.

“’Bout time!” said Darcy, cranking up the volume on the battered transistor radio when the broadcast switched from Rock to Soul.

“Check it out man,” he said to the group, “when we get back stateside, Lewis and me gonna cut an album.”

Darcy and Lewis drifted into a practiced harmony.

Groovin' . . . on a Sunday afternoon…

Sergeant Baines looked up from his chow. “With all due respect, y’all two are acting like faggots.”

“This faggot is short,” grinned Darcy, unphased. “Twelve days and a wake up, baby.”

“You should re-up,” Baines insisted. “Ain’t nothin’ for you back in the world.”

“Only thing that needs to re-up is this rain,” joked Darcy. “This is official ‘Charlie Time Out Day.’”

That got a chuckle from all present.

Another favorite song followed. “Two for two!” Darcy marveled.

He was launching into his imitation of Aretha when Sergeant Mills burst into the chow hall, shouting.

“Dr. King is dead!”

Stunned, Darcy cut the power on the radio.

“Shut it down,” said Darcy, sober for once. “Shut it all down.”

This week's challenge:

1. Maximum length: 250 words.
2. The theme is: power
3. The time is: 1968
4. Within the story, you must use this text: all due respect.

Beren Gets His Nails Clipped

Beren at Biscuits & Bath. Posted by Hello

Monday, March 21, 2005

Star Wars: Clone Wars -- Chapter 21

[Thank God for TiVo! I had forgotten this was going to be on.]

The chapter starts with some clone troopers arriving on an unnamed planet on which some Jedi are pinned down by a droid army. The troopers make quick work of the droids by dropping grenades on them.

The clones then move in to where the Jedi Ki-Adi-Mundi is trying to fend off General Grievous, who is armed with two lightsabers. The clones open up on Grievous, forcing him to scale the ceiling to get away. He manages to slice up a few of them, but he is driven off by the firepower of a troop transport vehicle.

Mundi wants the clones to go after and kill grievous, but they warn him that the survivors of the battle will die if they do so. Mundi boards the transport and they take off. We see two female Jedi -- Aayla Secura and Shaak-Ti -- both on IV's. Grievous is seen taking a lightsaber as a trophy from a dead Jedi who looks like a Yeti.

Fade to a misty dream sequence, where a baby-faced nine-year-old Anakin contemplates a huge swamp tree that is calling to him. With him is the ghost of Qui-Gon Jinn. Qui-Gon urges him to enter the tree.

"I'm afraid, master!" says the little boy.

"Control your fear," says Qui-Gon. He stoops down to one knee to be on eye level with the child and gives him a reassuring, fatherly hug. "You are the Chosen One. And you must be tested."

Anakin gathers up his courage. "What's in there?" he asks.

"Only what you take with you," Qui-Gon says softly.

Satisfied with that answer, Anakin walks forward into the tree.

"Your final test is at hand. Trust in the Force."

The scene fades into Yoda sitting on his meditation stool, scowling. "Hmmph!" he says.

[Note: Was it Yoda's dream or Anakin's?]

[Note: Obviously, this is the Dark Side tree that Luke entered on Dagobah. Is this a famous tree?]

Ki-Adi-Mundi gives his report to the Jedi Council and tries to explain how his crew got rocked by General Grievous.

"We may have been exhausted, but when was the last time someone stood up to five Jedi and held his own? This must be dealt with."

[Note: In other words, stop judging me. You weren't there.]

"I agree. This General Grievous is changing the shape of the war," says Mace.

One of the females, gifted with the ability to count, says they need more knights.

Obi-Wan says, "I know this will generate debate, but I suggest that in this time of war we forego the Trials and promote my padawan, Anakin, to Jedi Knight.”

A hairy Jedi with long curling fingernails objects to setting aside their traditions.

Mundi says, "In this time of need, why do we hold back the Chosen One?"

"Whether or not he is the Chosen One is still to be determined," says Mace, sounding suspiciously like a player hater.

Other Jedi weigh in. Palpatine wants him promoted, says one. That don’t mean shit to me, says Mace (okay, he didn’t really say that). Kit Fisto says Anakin’s a "cunning warrior" and their best pilot. Adi Gallia (the sister who can count) says he's “reckless with his gifts.”

Obi-Wan defends his padawan, whom he says has already been through worse than the Trials. He passed a Trial of Skill when he defeated the "dark assassin" on Yavin IV (Asajj Ventress?). He endured "an atrocious Trial of The Flesh" at the hands of Count Dooku. And "he continues to pass every Test of Courage that this war has dealt him."

[Note: If only Anakin could have heard this glowing praise from Obi-Wan!]

Still, the other Jedi say he has one trial left -- testing the Spirit and “facing the Mirror.”

[Note: Ooo! That sounds interesting! Where can I find out more about the nature of the Trials?]

Yoda puts an end to the debate. They need all the knights they can get. "Trust in the Force, I do. A knight he shall be."

Fade to a seedy Coruscant neighborhood. A hooded Anakin walks the crowded streets, looking suspiciously at others. He looks at his own reflection in a window and scowls, evidently unhappy with what he sees. Everyone around him looks like a monster. Or is that just how Anakin sees everyone in the world?

Another hooded figure catches his attention. With blinding speed he dashes into an alley, then violently yanks the other figure into the alley with him. He ignites his lightsaber by the person's throat...

"Ani!" says Padme, throwing off her hood and looking terrified.

He looks scared too. He was about to slice her.

They share a brief kiss, which they have to break off when Anakin spins her around to hide her face from a guy he thinks is glancing in their direction. Anakin starts brooding again, sick of having to worry about being seen with his own wife.

Padme, sporting Princess Leia buns, tries to comfort him by saying he'll be a Jedi Knight soon.

"And then what?" he counters. "Jedi aren't supposed to marry!"

She reminds him that they knew it would be like this. Maybe after the war things will change. The Republic needs you, she says.

"In the shadows of Coruscant, or any other city, and most importantly in my heart, I will always love you."

"Well, you do look really good in the dark," he whispers, leering a bit and cheapening her words. He strokes her face with his left hand, his human hand.

They are about to kiss again, but along comes Threepio, the king of bad timing, wandering around in a “disguise” and screaming “MISS PADME!!!” at his top volume setting.

Surprisingly, they don't dismantle him. Instead Anakin complements Threepio on his new gold plating.

They are interrupted again, this time by Obi-Wan paging Anakin on a holo-watch.

Anakin is down to blow him off, but responsible Padme makes him do the right thing.

Anakin takes his time getting back to the Jedi Temple and Obi-Wan is exasperated.

"You're late!"

"If I'm late for another scolding, does it really matter?" Anakin gripes.

"Scolding? You're not a little boy anymore. And as long as you're my student, you will heed my wisdom."

"You're right," Anakin says, wheeling around. "I'm not a little boy. And as for your wisdom, YOU'RE NO QUI-GON JINN!"

[Yep, he went there.]

Obi-Wan, though stunned by the outburst, gives him a pass. Anakin says he's sorry and Obi-Wan says he misses Qui-Gon too.

[He also misses the point, but that's my man, Obi-Wan.]

"We must leave our roles as master and student. It is time we became... brothers."

Anakin arches an eyebrow, then he grins as he realizes that the hazing is over and he's about to join the frat.

A door opens up behind Obi-Wan. In a dark room a circle of Jedi stand with ignited lightsabers. Standing on a chair, but still looking really small, is Yoda.

[Note: So cute!]

Anakin goes down on one knee before Yoda.

"Anakin Skywalker," says Yoda, tapping his lightsaber (low setting??) on Anakin's left shoulder, then his right. "By the right of the Council, by the will of the Force, dub thee I do, Jedi Knight of The Republic."

With a flick of the wrist, Yoda slices off Anakin's padawan braid and it falls to the ground with the end still smoking.

Fade to Padme, staring out the window of her luxurious, but empty apartment. Threepio approaches her holding out his hands. In his hands is Anakin's braid.

A look of joy comes over her face. She carefully takes the braid and puts it in a gold keepsake box which also holds the good luck pendant Anakin carved for her when they first met on Tatooine.

She sends him back a gift of her own -- Artoo. In her wordless hologram Padme holds her arms out to Anakin.

Anakin reaches out with his droid hand and tries to grasp her image, but it slips through his fingers.

Anakin installs Artoo into his fighter and heads back out to the war.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

BSG: Colonial Day

Having garnered enough water and fuel to take care of the fleet's immediate needs, President Roslyn uses the upcoming Colonial Day holiday to reconstitute the Quorum of Twelve, the traditional ruling body of the Colonies. The survivors of the various planets have held a vote and chosen new representatives to replace those lost in the holocaust. Tom Zarek is chosen as the representative of Sagitara, and in a surprising (or not so surprising) move, the people of Caprica have chosen Gaius Baltar. Apollo and Starbuck are assigned to a security detail to get them in the episode.

The interim Quorum meets on the Cloud Nine, a cruise ship which has artificial sunlit gardens which remind the Colonials of what they've lost. Ellen, who has an agenda all her own, shakes Zarek's hand after Saul Tigh refuses to when the delegates are being greeted at the door of the auditorium. Tigh, naturally, doesn't care for this.

Baltar, who has been pulling all-nighters doing fake Cylon tests, snoozes through the beginning of the session until Number Six out of the blue tells him that she's decided it's okay if he sleeps with other women, as long as he knows that she "has his heart." She demonstrates exactly what she means by giving him a taste of what a heart attack feels like. Nevertheless, since he's been greenlighted, he later finds the opportunity to bang a blonde reporter in a bathroom stall.

Roslyn tries to manage the Quorum and almost closes the first session without incident when Zarek puts forth a motion that she's forgetting the most important thing that has to be decided -- who will fill the vacant Vice Presidential seat?

In an obviously rehearsed move, the councilor from Virgon quickly nominates Tom Zarek for the role, stating that Zarek sent people to fix mechanical problems on his ship before Roslyn even returned his calls. The councilor from Gemenon seconds the nomination, also looking as if she was coached. Roslyn is forced to smile graciously and state that nominations will be open for another 72 hours.

Back on Colonial One, Roslyn tells Billy, Apollo and Wallace Gray, a previously unseen aide who is called "the power behind the throne" by the fleet's media, that she'll be damned if she lets Zarek become VP. She pressures Gray into running for the post.

The media follows Zarek around the gardens and he uses the opportunity to put forth some sensible views. He points out that even though life as the Colonials have known it is over and money has no worth, businessmen are acting as if they still have businesses to run and lawyers with no clients are still acting like lawyers. He singles out a middle-aged gardener and asks, "Why is this man still doing this when he gets no benefit from it?"

People start to nod, word.

Roslyn, alone in her room, hears the broadcast and even she looks like, my gods, he's right.

Apollo, in uniform and drinking at the bar (eh?), tells the bartender to shut off the broadcast of Zarek. A chubby Hispanic Zarek supporter objects, and Apollo scoffs at his rights as a civilian and downs some more ambrosia.

"Mr. Zarek is a representative of the people, and we are the people!" says El Gordo.

"Well, you're people... sort of," disses Apollo.

Before you know it, El Gordo belts Lee across the jaw with a beer bottle and the two are tussling. Gimpy Starbuck f's up a brother, using her crutch as a weapon. While the scuffle is going on, a mysterious would-be assassin accidentally has his gun fall out of his briefcase and gets caught by Kara. Oh, and Lee, turning the other cheek, viciously cracks a bottle over the chubby dude's head and taunts him: "Are you looking for THIS?"

Back on Cylon-occupied Caprica, Helo, who is starting to wake up after having seen two Shelly models already, starts wondering aloud if the Cylons are using human DNA to create clones. Boomer, nervous, suggests that if there are clones, they may be capable of complex emotions, but might not be responsible for their actions, an idea that Helo flatly dismisses.

"Whatever they are, they aren't human. No human could do the things they've done. Killing billions of people? They've got to be frakking Cylons, just like the rest of them."

Boomer's face, of course, is priceless.

Lee and Kara question Vallance, the failed assassin and, though scared, he gives up nothing, proving that Starbuck and Apollo really ought to practice that "good cop, bad cop" thing a little harder. Apollo reports his failure to Roslyn. He suggests that the entire Sagitaran delegation be sent back to their ships, but she says, no, that would violate their civil rights. In the next breath she orders Lee to tap Zarek's phones and bug his room! LOL!! Is that the chamalla speaking?

Gray lays out his mission statement before the Quorum, but Billy lets the President know that his straw poll shows that Gray's support is slipping. Apollo wanders over to Zarek and feels compelled to whisper in his ear, "You're next!"

Zarek merely rolls his eyes.

Zarek later slips away to the bar and ends up serving Ellen, who is predictably getting her drink on. Ellen lets him know that she wants to secure her place -- oh, and husband Saul's, of course -- in the future. Zarek says he's looking for a friend of his named Vallence, and voila! Vallance is sitting dead with slit wrists in the next scene.

The media catches up with Baltar. He starts off shaky since he, of course, is simultaneously carrying on a conversation with Number Six, but he starts to warm up to the subject and says positive, seemingly sincere things about how teachers have historically made a profound impact on people's lives and how history has examples of people of humble beginnings emerging into leadership roles after cataclysmic events. He also points out that Zarek has been in prison for the last twenty years and he's never shouldered any real responsibility.

People start to nod, word.

Roslyn, listening in on her wireless while pow wowing with Apollo, Starbuck and Tigh over Vallance's death, hears echoes of the Pythian Prophecies in Baltar's speech and she realizes that she needs the charismatic scientist, since he can work a crowd.

Roslyn meets with Gray and tells him to bow out for "health reasons." He compliments her on how she has grown into the bare-knuckled, backstabbing politician role. Then she meets with Baltar in the restroom and tells him she wants him to be her VP. He accepts and goes back to banging the blonde reporter he left in the stall.

Baltar wins a close vote and he's greeted as a Hollywood star at the party thrown afterwards. Chicks swarm all over him and Number Six gives him a pass. Apollo slides up to the bar to chat with an attractive blonde in a blue dress and when she turns around, it's Starbuck. They share a dance.

Zarek approaches Roslyn and admits her gambit was "nicely played," but assures her he'll be back for the presidential election in six months. He also lets her know that he didn't have Vallance killed, and she ought to wonder who did.

Adama shares a dance with Roslyn and she admits that she chose Baltar as VP because he's "the devil you know."

Billy and Dualla are dancing, and Starbuck, after one brief dance with Apollo, moves on to Baltar. Ellen tells Saul that she's wrangled a day in a luxury suite on the Rising Star for the two of them. She doesn't explain how she managed it, though she shares a meaningful glance with Zarek.

Finally, back on Caprica, as Helo and Boomer try to sneak into a heavily fortified base to steal a spacecraft, Helo spies yet another pair of Shellys -- and a Boomer! His Boomer shoots the other Boomer and tries to explain whatever, but Helo hauls ass out of there as the truth becomes evident.

Other Observations
  • There's funny moment as three journalists stroke each other's egos while they cover the event for God knows who: "I'm James McManus, formerly of the Caprica Times and with me are two of the only legitimate journalists left in the universe, Playa Palacios, veteran commentator of the Picon Star-Tribune, and my wingman, Sekou Hamilton, former editor of the Aerilon Gazette..." They so need to get over themselves. LOL!
  • "Colonial Day" is evidently a very young holiday. McManus states that it is a commemoration of the 52nd anniversary of the signing of the "Articles of Colonization." Interesting.
  • The expected frolicking between Starbuck and Apollo that didn't happen at the end of last episode takes place here when she hoses him down while they're supposed to be discussing security.
  • Golly, what's up with Apollo? He was uncharacteristically rude in this episode.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Good Novels & Bad Novels Part 2

I found the original list for the exercise I mentioned yeaterday. Below are the things I left out.

Elements of Novels I Like
  • Characters who are shamed in some way.
  • Descriptions of beauty.
  • Injustice.
  • Growth, negative or positive.
  • Fear.
  • Realism.
  • Emotion.
  • Dialogue. At least one quoteable line.
  • Flawed people.
  • Societies in conflict.
  • Parents and (adult) children.
  • Complex family dynamics.
  • Well-researched settings.
  • Fairy tale motifs.
  • War.

Elements of Novels I Don't Like
  • More prose than dialogue.
  • Characters with no doubts.
  • Characters with unreasonable doubts.
  • Borrowed settings and/or characters.
  • Racist or sexist authors.
  • Flaws in logic.
  • Bad science.

Friday, March 18, 2005

What, to you, makes a good novel?

I found No Plot, No Problem to be a bit simple for me, but I did do the "what is a good novel/what isn't a good novel" exercise.

I discovered that I like the following in a novel:
  • The main character must undergo either mental or physical pain.
  • A beloved character is unjustly injured or killed.
  • The main character has to overcome some inherent limitations.
  • I like novels in which the characters have to travel.
  • I like chapter titles.
  • I like historical or fantasy settings.
  • I like romance that leaves something to the imagination.
  • Tragedy.
  • Loss.
  • Rational villains.
  • Hard-won victories.
  • Exotic cultures.
  • Political intrigue.

I don’t like:
  • School stories.
  • Courtroom stories.
  • Dialogue that can’t be said out loud.
  • Complicated fight scenes or battle scenes.
  • Precocious children.
  • Comedies.
  • Novels that are over 500 pages.
  • First-person narration.
  • Children or animals being abused.
  • Old people as the protagonists.
  • Insanity.
  • Characters that screw for no reason.
  • Smartasses.
  • Stupid women.

Thursday, March 17, 2005


Every geek in America went through this set of emotions last week, as summed up on

Once every three years, the first trailer for yet another crappy George Lucas Star Wars movie is released somewhere to great fanfare. And each time, I watch said trailer and get all excited. It looks great, I'll say. Maybe it'll actually be good. My hopes start to rise. And then the movie comes out, Natalie Portman is transformed by Lucas' awful direction into the worst actress ever, and I leave the theatre disappointed that a cherished childhood institution has been handled in such a piss-poor manner. With the impending release of Episode III and the trailer during last night's episode of The OC, I have vowed not to get my hopes up. Never again, George Lucas, will you disappoint me.



Mon Dieu! Who has disturbed my sleep?

This is Beren, my French Bulldog. He is twenty months old. He is cute, but he has a major flatulence problem. Whew! Posted by Hello

Faces of Death!

This is my dachshund, Cricket. She is fourteen years old and she hates me. Posted by Hello

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Flash Fiction Challenge: Moscow, Idaho

“Been a hard winter,” Preacher Ned was saying. “Likely to be a late spring. But I digress.”

The diner was empty save for a waitress cleaning up down front and a cook in the kitchen. The opening bars of Come Go With Me drifted from the jukebox.

Ned pushed the salt and pepper shakers toward Joey. “You’ve got two men,” he said. “For the sake of argument, let’s call one ‘A,’ the other ‘B.’”

Joey snorted, bored with the weak analogies, bored with the company. He took a long drag on his cigarette and looked out the window at the bleak Idaho landscape. It was snowing again in Moscow. No surprise.

He looked at Ned. “Got a lot of Reds here?”

It was a joke, of course, but Preacher looked offended. “Only God-fearing people here. Good Christian people.”

“Except for Mr. Pepper.”

Ned tapped the pepper shaker. “A cancer that needs to be excised. A cancer that cannot be allowed to spread.”

Ned passed him his fee in a paper bag under the table. Joey did a quick inspection.

“You’re short.” A note of warning crept into his voice.

“In lieu of the, ah, down payment, I thought you’d appreciate this,” said Ned, quickly handing him a set of keys.

Preacher gestured with his pinky at a ‘58 T-bird in the parking lot. Light blue. Brand new.

“Don’t worry, you’ll get the rest. I have need of, shall we say, ‘an avenging angel?’”

“God’s will be done,” Joey said dryly.

The rules for this week's Flash Fiction Challenge #4 from Grimace at Diminished Fifth were:

1. Maximum length: 250 words.
2. The setting is: Moscow, USSR
3. The year is: 1958.
4. Within the story, you must use this text: for the sake.

If you prefer, you can set it in Moscow, Idaho. In fact, that might ultimately prove much cooler.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005


This guy Brian Nichols who went crazy on in Atlanta on Friday has an interesting background. He went to college, was a computer technician for UPS, and his parents are in Tanzania helping to create a tax system for the government.

So how did he turn into a rapist who broke out of custody and murdered four people?


Read article

Monday, March 14, 2005

"U Want Me 2 Kill Him?"

Now this is how you start a freaking story:

Sometimes, as night falls over Greater Manchester, the ingenious adolescent returns to the place where he was stabbed last year, when he was 14. The boy is tall for his age, but slight, with olive skin, a long crooked nose, and dark, intelligent eyes framed by thick black brows poised for flight. The stab wounds still pain him. One in the chest—that was the light wound—and another in the abdomen, six inches deep, which pierced his kidney and liver and necessitated the removal of his gallbladder. It was from this injury that the teenager almost died on the operating table—twice, police tell me.

Kickass, no?

This article by Judy Bachrach in the February 2005 issue of Vanity Fair has been optioned already as a movie to be directed by Bryan Singer.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

BSG: The Hand of God

After weeks of shows that focused on how no one in the fleet trusts anyone anymore, this week's episode gets us back to fighting the real enemy.

The show begins with the President fielding questions from concerned reporters about the state of the fleet's fuel reserves. It seems that the human race only has enough fuel left for two more hyperspace jumps before they're SOL and the Cylons can just swoop in and finish what they started.

The press conference starts going badly, not only because there's no real contingency plan in case the Raptors can't find fuel, but because Roslyn is high like a mofo off of the camalla extract she's taking to combat her cancer. She starts seeing coral snakes coiling all over her hands and the podium and she has to wrap the press conference up in a hurry. Billy stands by, impotent as usual.

Galactica-Boomer and Crash Down fly out in their Raptor and easily find an asteroid teeming with fuel and swarming with Cylons.

Roslyn confers with the priestess Elosha about her hallucination. The priestess links the symbolism of the snakes to something called the "Pythian Prophecies" made over 3000 years ago. Pythia, a female prophet, spoke of a leader who would bring the human race to a promised land, though she wouldn't see it because she would die of a wasting disease. Needless to say, Roslyn is stunned.

The military leaders on the Galactica -- Adama, Tigh and Apollo -- gather to review the surveilance photos of the Cylon fuel depot. Adama stuns everyone by saying they're going to take the fuel instead of running. He brings Starbuck into the mix because his gut tells him he needs someone who can think out of the box to punch holes in Tigh's plan. "Out of the box is where I live," she says.

Adama pulls in Baltar and Roslyn to hear Starbuck's plan, which involves using civilian transport ships as decoys. They turn to Baltar for help in locating the position necessary to blow up the refinery. He pleads for help from Number Six (AKA Shelly), who predictibly tells him to trust God. He randomly points at a spot on the photo with his middle finger and tries to sound confidant.

Adama comes to Starbuck in the weight room and tells her that Doctor "Dutch" says her knee is still too torn up for her to get back in a Viper. Still, he gives her a chance. He piles on weights on a leg resistance machine and if she can press the equivalent of six G's for 10 seconds, she can lead the mission. She blows it, only pressing 3 G's for four seconds.

Still smarting over having to step aside for Apollo, she meets with Lee to discuss what he needs to do to make her plan work. He is irritated by her lack of confidence in his abilities. Undaunted, she warns him not to "frak things up by overthinking."

Adama gives Lee a pep talk and his father's lucky lighter.

On Caprica, Helo and Boomer temorarily shack up in some stables. Helo finally comments on the fact that they haven't seen a single human being since Boomer rescued him "from that woman." That makes it clear that he thought Number Six was a collaborator, not a Cylon. Moments later they spot the same woman leading a patrol of Centurians. Helo is completely freaked -- "You shot her! She bled on my lap!" -- but Boomer forces him to start running again.

Oh, Boomer vomited early in the segment, a sure sign that an evil hybrid baby has been spawned!

Back on the Galactica, Starbuck joins the "heads" in CIC as the plan gets underway. The Cylons don't take the bait and head for the Galactica. Baltar stresses as the Vipers, piloted by Starbuck's newbies, quickly get overwhelmed. Starbuck reveals a back up plan and Roslyn is pissed that she wasn't in the loop.

The whole rest of the episode was very "Battle of Yavin."

The white girl newbie locks on the target, but her missles are deflected by some kind of force field. Apollo tells them they'll have to get closer and go manual. Some of the pilots we've come to recognize on sight -- the white girl and the Asian guy -- get blown up.

"It sounds frakking awful out there! We're outnumbered five to one!" Baltar wails.

Apollo decides to pulls something out of his ass the way Starbuck would and he flies into a tunnel that he prays leads to the spot Baltar pointed out on the map. The Viper defies the laws of physics incredibly by stopping on a dime, making 90 degree angle turns, etc. Hot. Apollo gets to the spot, drops some missles, speeds out and the place actually blows up like Baltar said it would. The scene is actually cheapened by a strange lack of sound or music accompanying the explosion. Why get realistic now?

No one is more surprised at the success of the mission than Baltar, who is now starting think that it's logical that he's an instrument of God. Shelly helps this belief along by giving him her own interpretation of the Pythian Prophecies. In her version, the "snakes numbering one and ten" are the Vipers.

There's a celebration in the hangar bay as Apollo and what's left of the squadron return. And now there's music. Very distracting pseudo-Celtic martial music. And singing.

Precious champagne is wasted as pilots spritz each other. Maybe Tigh and Helen will come by and lick the floor later.

Strangely, Apollo and Starbuck don't seem all that friendly. If all were forgiven, they should be play-fighting like they were at the start of "Act of Contrition" where they were planning Flat Top's 1,000th landing party. Instead, she offers him a cigar and says she had her doubts. He agrees that he had his doubts about her plan and drinks his wine when he should've dumped it on her head.


Saturday, March 12, 2005

Sci-Fi Channel Offers Battlestar Galactica Podcasts!

How cool is this?

Starting with episode 109 "Tigh Me Up, Tigh Me Down," Sci-Fi channel began offering "podcasts" to accompany each episode. These podcasts are audio commentaries from the creator of the show designed to give the viewers extra backstory info.

You start playing each episode's file from your computer or MP3 player when the words "The Cylons Were Created By Man" appear on your TV screen. Beeps indicate when to pause for commercial breaks.

I haven't tried it yet, but when I watch "The Hand of God" again on Sunday, I'll give it a try.

Read more

Friday, March 11, 2005

Flash Fiction Challenge: Mind Over Matter (2)

Okay, here's a second stab at this. This time I stuck to the word count.

It was, the right fielder reflected, not a great day for baseball.

Maybe it was the snow flurries that accounted for the pitiful attendance on Opening Day.

No, the truth was the Detroit Tigers were a bad team. The window dressing – a few free agent signings, a pretty ballpark – hadn’t fooled the public.

Hoping to entice people to come, they had let a basketball player throw out the first pitch. He had even dispensed advice to the team as if he knew this game.

His game.

The veteran knew a little something about motivation. His body had started to lose its inherent ability. Still, discipline made it possible to make a difference.

The sharp crack of the bat abruptly brought the fielder out of his musings. He wasn’t going to catch it. He had been leaning toward center. Desperately he made a leap and slipped on a patch of frozen grass near the ample foul territory. He went down hard, but he had fully extended with his glove. The ball unerringly sailed in. He raised his glove and the umpire made the call.


The center fielder trotted over. “You okay, dog?”

I’m not a dog, I’m a man.

The kid offered him a hand, helping him to his feet, and gave him a high-five.

The veteran pounded a fist into his glove, ignored the twinge in his left knee and willed himself to make it through his sixteenth season.

One hundred sixty-one more games to go.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Breakdown of the Star Wars Episode III Trailer!

I suffered through an entire episode of The O.C. to catch the Revenge of The Sith trailer, but it was worth it. I screwed up at the end, though. Damn TiVo stopped recording the last 15 seconds or so. And it wouldn't roll back! I bet Fox did that on purpose!

Here's the breakdown of what I was able to record and review:

Wide shot of a handful of small fighter craft approaching Coruscant.

Chancellor Palpatine in a private chat tells Anakin, "The Dark Side is a pathway to powers some consider to be unnatural."

Anakin asks, "Is it possible to learn this power?"

Palpatine says, "A Jedi cannot show you."

[Side note: Anakin has a 6" burn scar on the right side of his face. Not very deep, but probably from a lightsaber. It goes right through his eyebrow, so he must've come close to losing an eye.]

Cut to Obi Wan walking with Anakin.

"The Council wants you to report on all of Palpatine's dealings."

"That's treason!" Anakin says suspiciously.

"We are at war," Obi Wan replies as a series of shots fly by -- General Grevious, then some clone troopers getting blown up, then some massive space battles.

Cut to a scene, possibly in a circular theatre, where senators and Jedi are viewing God knows what. The Star Wars version of Cirque De Soleil?

Cut to Palpatine patting Anakin on the back in a fatherly fashion.

Cut to Mace and Obi Wan in the cockpit of a ship.

Mace says, "Verrrry dangerous putting them together. I don't think the boy can handle it. I don't trust him."

Obi Wan looks at him.

[Side note: I doubt that Mace's line is delivered this way in the movie. It's not clear that Anakin is the "he" that Mace is talking about.]

Cut to a scene in Palpatine's office. "I need your help, son," he says, looking tired and needy. "I'm appointing you to be my personal representative on the Jedi Council."

Cut to Anakin standing in the center of the Jedi Council's circle.

"You've been appointed to the Council," Mace tells Anakin, "but we don't grant you the rank of 'Master.'"

"WHAT? says Anakin.

[Side note: LOL!]

Obi Wan glances to the side and almost looks like he's smiling.

[Side note: Again, I doubt that this scene will really go down like this in the movie.]

Cut to a scene with Anakin and Padme, probably in her apartment. Anakin has his shirt open and he looks sweaty and mad.

[Side note: LOL!]

"Obi Wan and the Council don't trust me!" he bitches.

Padme looks concerned.

More battle scenes. A large cannon is fired indoors by some clone troopers. The voice of Palpatine says. "Learn to know the Dark Side of the Force and you'll achieve a power greater than any Jedi."

[Side note: "Learn to know?" Eh? I must've heard that wrong...]

Cut to Anakin in a saber fight with someone out of the frame. Probably Count Dooku. They are in a dark chamber and Palpatine is sitting in a chair watching the fight.

[Side note: It's the same scene as in ROTJ where Luke fights Vader while the Battle of Endor rages in the background. Obviously, when Palpatine says, "Strike him down!" Anakin will say "yes," while Luke says "no."]

Cut to Mace, Kit Fisto and two other Jedi marching in to Palpatine's office.

"You're under arrest, Chancellor!" says Mace. All four Jedi draw and ignite their lightsabers.

"Are you threatening me Master Jedi?" Palpatine snarls. A lightsaber concealed in his sleeve drops into his hand. Palpatine leaps over his desk with an ignited saber and takes on all four.

[Side note: This scene rocks!]

A series of one second cuts follow: battles, things blowing up, Bail Organa wearing armor and shouting, "NOOOO!"

A fighter craft approaches a dry-looking planet that doesn't quite look like Tatooine.

Anakin hangs off a catwalk over a chasm.

[Side note: Almost the same shot as when Luke was hanging off Cloud City in TESB]

Shot of a lava planet.

Shot of Obi Wan fighting General Grevious outdoors.

Shot of a Wookie jumping off a land vehicle of some kind.

Shot of a building on Coruscant engulfed in smoke, probably the Jedi temple.

Shot of Palpatine, now wearing his ugly Darth Sidious face. "Every Jedi is now an enemy of the Republic!" he wheezes.

Shot of Yoda's eyes widening.

Shot of Mace saber fighting someone.

Shot of another Wookie, probably Chewbacca, roaring.

[Side note: He's wearing a bandolier, so...]

Shot of a Blockade Runner ship flying somewhere.

[Side note: This is the ship seen in the opening scene of Episode IV. I think the ship is called the Tantive I? This is Bail Organa's ship.]

"Do what must be done!" commands Palpatine.

Shot of Anakin, now sporting a hood and yellow eyes marching into the Jedi Temple with a few ranks of clones following him.

Palpatine's voice: "Do not hesitate!"

A green Twi'lek female jedi turns around.

A pointy-headed jedi turns around. A clone trooper fires on him.

Anakin, looking pissed, marches forward and starts killing people.

Cut to Obi Wan talking to Yoda: "Who couldve done this?"

"Twisted by the Dark Side young Skywalker has become," says Yoda.

Cut to Anakin in a factory, then another cut to him slicing through the chest of Nute Gunray.

[Side note: This is the Trade Federation guy who's been trying to kill Padme for years.]

Cut to C-3PO standing next to Padme on a balcony as an aerial battle rages over the streets of Coruscant. "I feel so helpless!" he moans.

Cut to Padme sobbing in her room.

[Side note: I fear that Padme is going to spend the whole movie doing little more than crying. Boo!]

Cut to Anakin and Obi Wan saber fighting indoors.

Cut to Chewie roaring again and hanging off a vehicle.

Cut to Darth Sidious unleashing Force lightning on poor Yoda!

Cut to a sweating Obi Wan looking scared and holding up his hands in a gesture that could be "Peace!" or "Wait, don't kill me!"

End of tape!


What I remember of the rest of the trailer:

  • Yoda hanging off of one of those floating platforms in the Senate, getting owned by Darth Sidious.
  • Obi Wan pleading with Anakin, "You were the Chosen One!"