Sunday, May 29, 2005

The Brothers Will Be With You… Always

Apparently there’s a Star Wars fandom tradition of taking famous quotes from the movies and substituting the word “pants” to make them funnier. Yeah, I know -- what idle asshole starts these things? Nevertheless, some of the quotes really are funnier when doctored:

Darth Vader: “General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.”

Greedo: “Jabba doesn’t have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.”

Leia: “You came in those pants? You’re braver than I thought.”

Yoda: “Judge me by my pants? And well you should not!”

See what I mean?

I’ve discovered something -- these lines take on even more disturbing meanings when you substitute “brother(s),” “negro(es)” or the “N” word for “pants.”

If you are easily offended, don’t read any further!


Observe:

Luke: “I used to bullseye brothers in my T-16 back home. They’re not much bigger than 2 meters.”

Han Solo: “Lock the door.”
Luke: “And hope they don’t have brothers.”

Obi-Wan: “These aren't the brothers you're looking for.”

Princess Leia: “Alderaan is peaceful, we have no brothers!”

Obi-Wan: “Brothers can have a strong influence on weak minds.”

Wedge: “Look at the size of those brothers!”

Luke: “Fifteen thousand! We can almost buy our own Negroes for that!”

Luke: “Tell them if they don't do as you ask you will become angry and use your Negroes.”

Imperial officer: “How will the Emperor maintain control without brothers?”

Leia: “I happen to like nice brothers.”

Han: “Yahoo!! You're all clear kid. Now let's blow these brothers and go home!”

Obi-Wan: “...As if a thousand brothers suddenly cried out in pain, and then were silenced.”

Bartender: “Your Negroes, we don't want their kind in here, they'll have to wait outside.”

Vader: “I hope so, Commander, for your sake. Brothers are not as forgiving as I am.”

Everyone: “I've got a bad feeling about brothers.”

Dooku: “What if I told you that the Republic was now under the control of a dark lord of the Negroes?”

Padme: “I truly, deeply love brothers.”

Leia: “I'd just as soon kiss a Negro.”

Han: “Lando's not a system, he's a brother.”

Han: “There's no mystical energy field that controls my brothers.”

Han: “Look, I ain't in this for your revolution, and I'm not in it for you, Princess. I'm in it for the brothers!”

Elan Sleazebaggano: “Hey, want to buy some Negroes?”
Obi-Wan: “You don't want to sell me Negroes.”
Elan Sleazebaggano: “I don't want to sell you Negroes.”

Luke: “But I was going to go to the Toshi station to pick up some brothers.”

Anakin: I heard Yoda talking about Negroes. I was wondering... What are Negroes?
Qui-Gon: “Negroes are microscopic organisms that live in our blood cells.”

Bar thug: “He doesn't like brothers... I don't like brothers either!”

3PO: “You will be thrown into the pit of Negroes, where you will be slowly digested over a period of a thousand years...”

Vader: “I want those brothers, admiral, not excuses!”

Yoda: “When gone am I, the last of the brothers will you be.”

Yoda: “Around the Negroes, a perimeter create.”

Jango: “I'm just a simple Negro, trying to make his way in the galaxy.”

Obi-Wan: “This little brother's not worth the effort. Let me get you a drink.”

Vader: “She must have hidden the brothers in the escape pod. Send a detachment down to retrieve them.”

Qui-Gon to Jar-Jar: “You hear that sound? That's the sound of a thousand bad Negroes heading this way.”

Qui-Gon to Boss Nass: “I saved his life; he owes me what you call a life debt. Your gods demand that this brother belongs to me now.”

Holo-Luke to Jabba: “I seek an audience to bargain for Captain Solo's life. In exchange I offer you a gift, these two Negroes.”

Anakin: “I saw your laser sword. Only a brother carries that kind of weapon.”

Watto: “No brother is worth two slaves. Not by a long shot.”

Luke: “Your over-confidence is your weakness.”
Palpatine: “Your faith in brothers is yours.”

Lando: “Attention. This is Lando Calrissian. Brothers have taken control of Cloud City. I advise everyone to leave before more brothers arrive.”

Darth Sidious: “This is my Negro, Darth Maul. He will find your lost ship.”

Obi-Wan: “Your Negroes are very impressive. You must be very proud.”

Yoda: “Mmm. Lost his Negroes, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing. How embarrassing!”

Obi-Wan: “Just relax, concentrate.”
Anakin: “What about brothers?”
Obi-Wan: “Brothers seem to be on top of things.”

[In the speeder, while chasing the assassin]
Obi-Wan: “You know I don't like it when you do that.”
Anakin: “Sorry, master. I forgot that you don't like brothers.”
Obi-Wan: “I don't mind brothers, but what you're doing is suicide.”

Anakin: “You're going to pay for all the brothers that you killed today, Dooku!”

Obi-Wan to Luke: “Don't recall ever owning a Negro.”

TK-641: “Stop those brothers! Blast 'em!”

Piett: “But, sir. The Hoth system is supposed to be devoid of Negroes.”

Yoda: “Always two brothers there are, no more, no less.”

Vader: “Tear this ship apart until you find those brothers!”

Han: “Chewbacca here tells me you need Negroes.”

Luke: “Those brothers are too strong for blasters!”

Mon Mothma: “Many brothers died to bring us these plans...”

Lando: “Someone must've told 'em about my little brothers at the Battle of Tanaab.”

Obi-Wan: “Myself, the boy, two droids... and no Negroes.”

Luke: “Have you been in many brothers?”
3PO: “Several, I think. Actually, there's not much to tell.”

Leia: “Aren't you a little short for a brother?”

Vader: “Your brothers are weak, old man.”

Leia: “Didn't we just leave these brothers?”

Vader: “Several brothers have broken off from the main group. Come with me.”

Leia (or Han): “I love Negroes.”
Han (or Leia): “I know.”

Dooku: “There are no Negroes here that I am aware of. The Geonosians don't trust them.”

Taun We: “And remind them -- if they need more brothers, it will take time to grow them.”

Yoda: “Brothers! Heh. A Jedi craves not these things.”

Yoda: “Luminous brothers are we, not this crude matter!”

Han: “Yeah, but brothers don't tear people's arms off when they lose.”

Queen Amidala: “I was not elected to watch my brothers suffer and die while you discuss this invasion in a committee.”

Mace Windu: “You refer to the prophecy of the brother who will bring balance to the Force?”

Obi-Wan: “The Negro is dangerous; they all sense it, why can't you?”

Obi-Wan: “You were right about one thing Master. The brothers were short.”

Nute Gunray: “Of course you know our brothers are perfectly legal.”

Watto: “What do you think; you're some kinda brother waving your hands around like that?”

Watto: “I'm a Toydarian. Mind tricks don't work on me. Only brothers.”

Watto: “And no one else has Nubian brothers, I guarantee you that!”

Qui-Gon: “I sense an unusual amount of fear for something as trivial as this Negro dispute.”

Jar-Jar: “Monsters out dere, leakin’ in here, all sinkin’ and no brothers? When are youza thinkin weza in trouble?”

Mace Windu: “I do not believe the brothers could have returned without us knowing.”

Ki-Adi-Mundi: “Impossible, the brothers have been extinct for a millennium.”

Qui-Gon: “They have brothers on Malastare. Very fast, very dangerous.”

Qui-Gon: “There's always a bigger Negro.”

Obi-Wan: “Mos Eisley Space Port... You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and Negroes... We must be cautious.”

Han: “I don't think the Empire had brothers in mind when they designed her, Chewie.”

Jango Fett: “Always a pleasure to meet a brother.”

Vader: “When I left, I was but the learner. Now I am the Negro.”

Jango: “Do you like your Negroes?”
Obi-wan: “I look forward to seeing them in action.”

Han: “Still, she's got a lot of spirit. I don't know, whaddya think? You think a princess and a brother like me--”
Luke: “NO!”

Obi-Wan: “You must learn the ways of the brothers if you are to come with me to Alderaan.”

Han: “You tell that slimy piece of worm ridden Negro that he'll get no such pleasure from us. Right?”

Yoda: “Only a fully trained Jedi, with brothers as his allies, will conquer the Dark Side.”

Mace: “You know, m'lady, that Count Dooku was once a brother. He couldn't assassinate anyone. It's not in his character.”

Captain Panaka: “Her highness commands you to take her Negro with you.”

Shmi: “He knows nothing of Negroes.”

Qui-Gon: “Let’s get out of here before more brothers show up.”

Sio Bibble: “A communications disruption can only mean one thing. Brothers!”

Lando: “We'll last longer than we will against that brother! And we might just take a few of them with us.”

Leia: “But these are my brothers! Threepio, tell them they must be set free!”

Qui-Gon: “The ability to speak does not make you a brother.”

Luke: “You’re wrong, Leia. You have those brothers too. In time, you'll learn to use them as I have.”

Threepio: “I do believe they think I am some kind of Negro!”

Luke: “Your thoughts betray you. I can feel the Negro in you, the conflict.”

Lando: “Now lock onto the strongest power source. It should be the brothers.”

Moff Jerjerrod: “But he asks the impossible. I need more brothers!”

Yoda: “Through the Force, things you will see. Other places. The future… the past. Old brothers long gone.”

Vader: “If you only know the power of the brothers!”

Han: “Well, if they follow standard Imperial procedure, they'll dump their brothers before they go into light-speed and then we just float away.”

Han: “No, but he has no love for the brothers, I can tell you that.”

Luke: “But Master Yoda! How will I know the good brothers from the bad?”

Luke: “I'm not looking for brothers, I'm looking for a Jedi Master!”

Admiral Ozzel: “My lord, there are so many uncharted systems. It could be Negroes, it could be...”

Han: “Flying through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, Negro!”

Obi-Wan: “That's no moon, those are brothers.”

Threepio: “He says he's the property of Obi-Wan Kenobi, a Negro of these parts.”

Owen: “But the harvest is when I need Negroes the most.”

Grand Moff Tarkin: “Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate these brothers!”

Owen: “I have no need for a protocol Negro.”

Obi-Wan: “Your father’s Negro. This is the weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as clumsy or as random as a blaster. An elegant weapon, for a more civilized age.”

Obi-Wan: “Brothers frighten easily, but they'll soon be back, and in greater numbers.”

Vader: “You are part of the Negro Alliance and a traitor! Take her away!”

Luke: “I've never seen such devotion in a brother before.”

Obi-Wan: “The brothers will be with you... Always.”

Obi-Wan: “Anakin's the Negro, isn't he? I'm so sorry.”

Obi-Wan: You were supposed to destroy the Negroes, not join them.

Obi-Wan: You were my Negro, Anakin, I loved you.

Obi-Wan: “Chancellor, Negroes are our specialty!”

Mace: “The Negroes will decide your fate.”
Palpatine: “I AM the Negro!”

Obi-Wan: “Anakin, my allegiance is to the brothers...TO DEMOCRACY!”

Youngling: “Master Skywalker, there’re too many brothers. What should we do?”

Padme: “Are you allowed to love? I thought that was forbidden for a brother.”

Padme: “To be angry is to be human.”
Anakin: “I’m a brother. I’m better than this.”



My favorite:

Han: “I think my eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark brother, I see a big light brother.”


Most disturbing quotes:

Obi-Wan: “Why do I sense we’ve picked up another pathetic Negro?”

Obi-Wan: “If Negroes could think, there would be none of us here would there?”

Leia: “Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy looking Negro!”

Anakin: “I killed Negroes. I killed them all. They're dead, every single one of them. And not just the men, but the women and the children, too. They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals. I HATE THEM.”


And the best quote:

Obi-Wan: “Why do I get the feeling you'll be the death of a n*****?”
Anakin: “Don't say ‘n*****,’ master.”

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