If I'm Ever the Hero

One of the most useful tools I’ve ever come across for detecting if your story has a bullshit villain is Peter Anspach’s Evil Overlord List. I first discovered it back in ’96. This list contains every cliché you’ve ever groaned at in any Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Superhero or Spy genre book, tv show or movie. The list is written from the point of view of an aspiring Evil Overlord who wants to make sure that he/she doesn’t “go out like a sucka,” to quote Mace Windu, er, Samuel Jackson.

The thinking-man’s Evil Overlord doesn’t make these mistakes. They’re so 20^th century!

• My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
• My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
• One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
• When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
• I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

There are literally hundreds more where those came from on Anspach’s site.

Tonight I stumbled across some companions to the Evil Overlord’s List from the POV of the Hero, Sidekick and True Love. They aren’t as extensive as the original list, but you’re sure to recognize all sorts of “stupid hero tricks.”

Samples from the “Things I Will Do if I Am Ever the Hero” list:

1. When I am advised to destroy a magical artifact taken from the Evil Overlord, I will do so. [This goes out to Isildur]
2. Anyone inquiring after the secret of my strength will be fed a line of plausible baloney as to how this strength can be lost. If the bogus advice is followed, the leak shall be properly investigated.
3. If my Mentor tells me that I am not yet ready to confront the Evil Overlord, I will quietly accept his judgment and remain to complete my training. [Shout out to Luke.]
4. If I am granted a vision of the future, I will not try to prevent anything that I see. It never works. [Anakin, this means you]
5. When my powerful wizard friend fails to return at the appointed time, I won't wait until after my birthday to start my Perilous Journey. I will set out immediately. [Frodo, can you hear me?]
   

Samples From The “Things I Will Do if I Am Ever the Sidekick” list:

1. If the hero tells me to stay put while he goes on ahead, I will do so instead of sneaking around and getting captured.
2. I will be quiet and try to stay sober most of the time. If I get drunk and sing bawdy songs at the top of my lungs, I will attract prostitutes who are really working for the Evil Overlord.
3. When the Hero tosses me his car keys, I will toss them back, and take the bus. Let the car bomb blow him up for a change.
4. If the Hero is fated to slay certain entities, the Evil Overlord in particular, this means that I will not slay them, and should avoid trying.
5. I will not goad bad guys with statements like "over my dead body."

Samples from the “Things I Will Do if I Am ever the True Love” list:

1. If I have a friend who never seems to be around when the Hero shows up and clobbers the Bad Guys, I will draw the appropriate conclusions.
2. If the Evil Overlord tries to force me into marriage, I will insist on a ceremony so expensive that it will debilitate his industrial capacity. I will be picky about the tiniest details of the ceremony and change my mind frequently so that the resulting delay will give the Hero more time to rescue me.
3. After being forced into a compromising situation, I will not grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and toss it to the Hero when he walks in; I will instead grab a weapon from the Bad Guy and use it on him myself, before the Hero walks in.
4. When the Evil Overlord forces me to help betray the Hero, I will make a show of resistance and then feign capitulation. I will then use whatever resources are placed at my disposal to screw the Evil Overlord (in a metaphorical sense, of course).
5. I will never vow to slay the killer of my brother or other near relative; there is a fair-to-middling chance that the Hero did it, that it was an accident, and that I won't learn he did it until after I fall in love with him.